It is not a disease
Image by Nicki Varkevisser CC BY 2.0 Cropped

Everyone has to choose

This is a choice which affects the rest of your life

I have nothing to give anyone, really. It’s the one gift I can give that has any kind of value. It makes me feel worthy.


The message coming through the media is that anyone who has not lost their virginity in their teen years is a freak or loser. On top of that any option of choosing to wait and remain a virgin is often actively ridiculed and attacked.

Its just as hard and sometimes made even worse for a man to say he's never had sex and wont unless he gets married. Trust me I know, and even when I say it's for religious reasons they still want to try and force me (AND I DO MEAN FORCE!) to violate my deeply held values and convictions. For a society that loves to chant "Tolerance" it amazes me how intolerant the masses really are.


A person who has not had sex with another person (everyone is born as a virgin).
Losing virginity
The first time a person has sex with another person (traditionally - penis into vagina) is when they lose their virginity. Solo masturbation or a wet dream about another person does not cause you to lose your virginity.

There is debate whether other forms of sexual relations with another person is classified as a loss of virginity.
Choosing not to be involved in sexual relationships with other people on a short term basis.
Choosing not to be involved in sexual relationships with other people on a long term basis (often a whole-of-life choice).
Street names
v-card, octopusnity, cherry, popping the cherry, deflowered, ...and lots of others....

Some concerns

  • Seems like no one is a virgin at my school.
  • I'll be laughed at if I keep my virginity any longer.
  • My friends will think there is something wrong with me.
  • If I date, the girl will probably expect me to have sex with her.
  • The biggest joke in movies is the person who is still a virgin.
  • Am I still a virgin since I started masturbating?
  • Am I still a virgin because I had a wet dream about having sex with my girlfriend?
  • We were taught at school that sex outside marriage is OK

Soul ties

Whenever two people have a sexual encounter, strong emotional ties are formed. The Bible calls the phenomenon 'the two become one flesh'. Modern terminology uses 'soul ties' to describe the same thing.

The soul ties you create can last a lifetime - even bonding you (emotionally/spiritually) to a person you are not compatible with.

Whenever a person is sexually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding.

Two people may decide to have sex ‘just for the fun of it,’ yet something is occurring on another level that they might not have decided on at all: sex is enhancing an emotional bond between them whether they want it or not.

Safe sex

The only way to ensure 100% safe sex is abstinence. Condoms have known failure rates for both STIs and pregnancy. The world is in an epidemic of STIs.

• One in two sexually active persons will contract an STI by age 25.
• The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that nearly 20 million new STIs occur every year in this country (USA), half of those among young people aged 15–24.
• Herpes infection is common. About 1 in 6 people aged 14-49 in the U.S. has genital herpes.
• In 2015, rates of the three most common reportable STIs—chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis—reached a record high level. The approximately 1.5 million reported cases of chlamydia represent the highest number of annual cases of any condition ever reported to CDC.
• Symptoms of genital herpes often go unnoticed. Most people with genital herpes—close to 90%—don’t know they have the infection.

Why choose to be a virgin?

There are many different reasons why a person chooses to remain a virgin until they are married. It is all about the big picture for your life - how do you want it to go for the next 10, 20... 80 years. Your decisions now will affect your life for up to 8 times the length of time you have already been alive.

Christian or religious reasons

Most guys could drive a car from about 10 years old, so why aren't you allowed to drive on the road at 10 years old? Is it just a rule to stop you from enjoying the full potential of your life? Or is it a rule to protect you and other people on the road?

It is exactly the same with your sexuality. Physically you are able to have sex with another person from early teenage years. Emotionally and spiritually you aren't yet able to handle the consequences of such an act involving another. Someone will get hurt and it will be both you and your partner. That is the reason for the Bible requirements - to protect you from yourself and others.

While you wait for marriage, solo masturbation is the way to master the understanding of how your body works and to also learn self control - both traits are positive assets to bring to your marriage.

In the ultimate plan of God (as revealed in the Bible) two virgins will marry and become solidly 'bonded' to each other through their first sexual experience together. This bond is intended to continually be strengthened with more sex and last for the rest of the couple's lives. The long term relationship is clearly more than just satisfying each others physical, sexual, and emotional needs. An invisible and tangible bond (soul-tie) is formed between the two people for their life together on earth. The two become one without the emotional baggage of previous sexual encounters.

But when God made the world, 'he made people male and female. That is why a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. And the two people will become one.'

Other reasons

Some people choose to wait until they find a partner they are compatible with and fall in love with - then use the sex dimension to enhance the relationship further. That way they are not bringing emotional baggage into the relationship.

The quote below is written for girls but the page applies to guys as well.

Sex nowadays is seen as a less intimate experience and not very sensual anymore. My wish is to bring back the sensuality which changes sex from a recreational event to an intense orgasmic experience.

Why older people tell you to wait until you are in love. They say this because after having several sexual partners, they’ve realized the most intense sexual encounters were with the ones they love. ... Although it may sound irritating, there is a reason it is called making love.

Sexuality: Ten reasons to cherish your virginity [1]

Is it easy to remain a virgin?

No. Your sexuality does not select 'pause' while you wait for a partner to come along. It can also be lonely and emotionally draining while looking for a partner to share your life with.

Read some experiences below. Once again written for girls, but most of the 16 points are relevant for guys too.

Often, it’s the people who talk the most about how they are “sex positive” who will give you the most crap for choosing to be a virgin, because they think it means there’s something wrong and non-modern about you. They think that you should be “liberated,” even if you already are.

When you talk to people about the reasons you’re actually doing it — for your health and protection, because you want to connect to your partner in other ways, because you want to save it for one person, because you think the world is sex-obsessed enough as it is — none of your answers will be sufficient.

If you decide to stay a virgin

  • You are in a small and diminishing 'market' for finding a partner who will share your views on remaining a virgin until marriage. You should mix in places where sympathetic potential mates are more likely to be - that probably won't be at a night club.
  • You must be up-front fairly early in the relationship about your views (not in the first sentence though). Every good relationship requires honesty. You can't control how the other person will respond. You can however control how you sell the idea - either as a nerd or as a salesman making virginity an attractive option.
  • As the relationship develops further, honest communication will be needed to figure out how much physical intimacy suits you both in order to express your love for each other. The links at the end of the page to The Marriage Bed could help you find the appropriate level of physical contact.
  • Some couples choose to have no physical contact before marriage. This works for some, however this hands-off approach could be a respectable way of masking a fear of physical intimacy - a fear that will probably haunt the marriage later on.
  • Get married as soon as you can if you have trouble holding yourself back.

But if they can’t manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.

Already lost your virginity?

More people are realising that it was a bad deal to lose their virginity before marriage and are becoming 'born-again' virgins to try and get their next relationship back on track. 'Born again virgin' means to start over and abstain from sex from this point on until they are married. The story below from the New York Post is about a girl's experience, but can be equally applied to a guy's life. Guys don't tend to publicize decisions like this but have similar concerns.

However, it is not just celebrities who are abstaining from physical intimacy. Jo, a 28-year-old single retail manager from Melbourne, relates to their desire to wait. She has put the brakes on all sexual relationships until she’s found a man who’s willing to put a ring on it. In a world of Tinder and casual hookups, she believes chastity is an underrated virtue. “I lost my virginity at 16 to a douchebag, in an indoor sports center. It was a cold and unemotional experience. He dumped me the next day.

While she admits her friends think it is an old-fashioned notion, Jo is adamant that waiting is the best option. “I’m happier now,” she says, despite the fact her newfound liberation from sex scares away prospective partners: “At least I know early on whether they’re interested in me or my body.”

There is still a price to pay for earlier playing around sexually, but becoming a born-again virgin can be a good step to try and find an fulfilling intimate relationship.

For christians, having sex before marriage is not the unforgivable sin. The additional step is to repent and ask forgiveness of God - that way guilt does not hold you to your past.

More information

The Marriage Bed website
The Marriage Bed
- Why Wait Reasons why it is better to stay a virgin until married.
- Sex and the Single Christian, What's Okay, What's Not, and Why Straight talk.
- Keeping Sexually Pure A couple shares their tips on staying virgins until married.
True Love Waits website
Help Students Understand Sexual Purity
Soul Ties information website
7 Signs of an Unhealthy Soul Tie - Kris Vallotton

Be smart on the web

This site might not help your personal situation. The purpose of this site is to give you information from other sources that you might not have heard before. That way you can make your own informed decisions about what can be complex issues in your life.

Every issue has different points of view and it is wise to consider all available information (including the author's motives ) to arrive at the best decision for yourself. All information from the internet (including this site) and media in general should be approached with caution.

Misinformation and true information often look awfully alike. The key to an informed life may not require gathering information as much as it does challenging the ideas you already have or have recently encountered. This may be an unpleasant task, and an unending one, but it is the best way to ensure that your brainy intellectual tapestry sports only true colors.


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